REBELS: CITY OF INDRA

This book only exists so we can hate the Kardashians a lot more than we already do. I haven’t finished this book yet, I can’t say I’m particularly eager to. However, from the half I’ve read, I can tell you one thing:
THIS BOOK MAKES ALLEGIANT, THE TWILIGHT SERIES AND THE BLUE BLOODS SERIES LOOK A LOT BETTER THAN THEY REALLY ARE.
First things first, I’m not sure if the synopsis is supposed to be dramatic, or if we’re supposed to know how forced and blatantly self praising it really is. For those of you who haven’t seen it (lucky bastards), here’s a look:

Synopsis:

Kendall and Kylie Jenner, stars on the hit reality show Keeping Up with the Kardashians, present their debut novel—a thrilling dystopian story about two super-powered girls who embark on a journey together, not knowing they’re twins.

Two girls, two worlds apart.

Lex lives down below, close to rock bottom. She grew up in the orphanage, alone, and now is training to be a Special Op so she can finally destroy the rebels with her own hands. She needs no one.

Livia lives miles above everything on a floating island in the city of Indra. She is training too, but for a life that she doesn’t want. She wants to be free, to finally leave her floating island, and to run with her beloved horse until she can’t run any longer.

And then there’s Kane—Lex’s only friend, whom she would walk through fire for. And when she finds that Kane is in danger, she doesn’t hesitate to leave her post and blast her way to the top of Indra to save him. She just needs to get one stubborn, unexpectedly clever airgirl to tell her where he is first.

In this fast-paced, dystopian thriller, Lex and Livia reluctantly team up to save Kane after discovering that they share a mysterious identical mark—not realizing that their biggest danger is in each other. You see, these two girls have a secret, a secret that even they do not know: they are sisters. Twins. And that is forbidden…

 

    Fast-paced thrilling dystopian thriller my ass. This books is one of the main reasons why I’ve given up on the YA genre.

Normally I would list out everything I liked about this book. So here goes:

WHAT I LIKED.

Nothing. No fucking thing. If a gun was held to my head and I was forced to choose, I’d probably say something like: “I liked the fact that Livia and Lex were not irritating damsels in distress. They were just irritating”

WHAT I DISLIKED.

  • The characters are unmemorable. Even with bizarre names like Waslo Suture and Livia Cosmo, I still can’t recall anything about them. The characters are uninspiring and I can’t even be bothered to see what happens to them.
  • The Prose. Half the plot was focused on the back stories of both characters. We were introduced to the island in the sky where Livia resides, and the orphanage where Lex grew up. The prose was, in a word, boring. 
  • These Bitches are Super-Powered. I was reading a conversation between Lex and Kane, and I got to the part where Kane mentioned her powers. As you can expect, I said: “When did this bitch have powers? How did she get powers? What powers does she have?”
  • Indra. First of all, it’s a city in the sky. Why it’s in the sky isn’t mentioned (at least I think it wasn’t mentioned. I skipped a lot of this book). If the surface is suddenly uninhabitable, then why is the orphanage there? (is the orphanage there? I’m not sure). Apparently, it took years to build and  everything but the humans has been cultivated in a lab. Also, there might be a one-child-per-family-rule.

In conclusion, this book was lacklustre and I couldn’t finish it. This is coming from the guy who finished the first four books of Blue Bloods. At first, my sole intention was to finish this book and then tweet to K&K Jenner: “Congratulations. Rebels was almost as good as Allegiant. Almost”. However, I would honestly rather pick up the half-baked, half-assed travesty that was ALLEGIANT than ever again read this shit. Maybe I’ll finish it in a couple of years (this will be after I re-read Twilight).

The fact that this book might be made into a movie brings pain to my soul. Fucking Kris Jenner. NOT EVERYTHING YOUR KIDS DO IS SPECTACULAR.

P.S The cover was a blatant rip-off.

 

 

Kendall Jenner and Kylie Jenner Set to be Published Authors of Young Adult Dystopian Novel 'Rebels: City of Indra' - SEE the Cover Here! (PHOTO)

Rebels:  City of Who Gives A Fuck

 

shatter_me_tahereh_mafi

The Shatter Me series.

 

This is just more proof that the only books the Jenner toddlers have read is every book they used as “inspiration” for Rebels.

 

 

 

 

 

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Salem

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I recently discovered this new show, titled Salem. As soon as I saw Salem I knew it would have something to do with the Salem witch trials. After American Horror Story Coven, I have been itching to find a new witch related fix. I am pleased to say that Salem is that fix.
The show begins with the Puritans doing what they did best; making other people’s lives hell. Then we see young lovers John Alden and Mary and their third wheel, George Sibley. Sibley sends John to basically die in the war and the show reveals it’s first bombshell: Mary’s pregnant. This would mean death in a regular Puritan town, but not to worry. Mary’s mysterious, ageless servant, Tituba comes to her rescue. They go to the forest, under the cover of darkness where Mary gives up her child and sells her soul to the devil. Yes, she SELLS HER SOUL TO THE DEVIL. Then Tituba says: “All the world shall be yours.”
Years later, Mary has become the most powerful witch on Salem. She’s like the Supreme. Also, she’s married to George Sibley. However, George isn’t George and Mary’s practically ruling Salem. Then John Alden  because that is exactly what our powerful heroine needs, her ex-lover returns from the dead.
Add a possessed Mercy Lewis and sleazy, hypocritical Cotton Mather and Salem promises to be dark, sexy and bizarre.

The Mortal Instruments: Thank God It’s Over.

I just finished the final book in The Mortal Instruments; City of Heavenly Fire. All I can say is that Cassandra Clare has redeemed herself. After the supreme and utter crappiness of the previous two books, COHF was surprisingly good, maybe even as good as the first three books. I also felt this book did very well in it’s portrayal of all the characters, especially Clary and Jace. Ii couldn’t help skimming through the parts where they were alone together (I still remember their love scene from COLS, if you do too, you’d understand). In this book, they were more than just lovestruck teenagers. They became adults. I especially liked the fact that this book, they were a couple. In all the other books, it was on again- off again- we’ve broken up now, but I wish we were on again. 

In this book, all the characters, matured. However I still didn’t have a favourite character. In my opinion, they were less irritating, but only slightly.

The weakest point in this book, in my opinion, was the part at the end where Asmodeus wiped Simon’s memory. Their plan to restore his memory was idiotic, at best. I don’t know if he’s going to Ascend, and I can’t say I care. The ending was decent, I don’t know if it was meant to be sad, like I’m not sure if bringing Tessa and Jem in was meant to be nostalgic. I also don’t like how she brought in Emma and Julian to shamelessly build up to her new series, The Dark Artifices, out Fall 2015 (I had to).

Final thoughts: COHF was a good ending to the series. The part at the end were Sebastian became Jonathan was sad, but decent. It may not have been a spectacular book, but it was better than Allegiant (which isn’t saying much).

P.S: I AM SO GLAD THAT THIS SERIES HAS ENDED AND I MAY NEVER READ THIS BOOK AGAIN. 

Kings And Queens Of Hell

Tonight we dine like royals

Feast on our hearts and our minds

Tonight we dine like kings and queens

And like kings and queens we die

 

There, fallen from the heavens

Our insignia 

Drenched in out blood

It burns like a thousand suns

Our legacy is strong

 

We are highly placed in our suffering

Our thrones are barbed

Yet they are still thrones

Our crowns are dipped in gold and acid

 

We are royals

We are sinners

We are monsters

We are rulers

 

The kings and queens of hell.

Nigerians+English= COMPLETE F***ING DISASTER

A few days ago, I was in my Econs teachers office. He’d seized my atlas and I was getting it back. Then, he said: “This is what we call a misdemeanor.” Only he pronounced it “mis-da-ma-nour”. Yes, he did. Part of me wasn’t surprised, as he had this irritating habit of speaking in a “posh” accent although he had a very thick Igbo accent. All I can say is that I dread Econs class because I despise the sound of his voice. Then I started thinking and I realised that situations like that are actually very common in Nigeria. We Nigerians have a tendency to butcher the English Language.

First there are the more common “gbagauns” e.g:

  1. ‘Off the fan’
  2. ‘NEPA has brought the light’
  3. ‘Reverse back’
  4. ‘Off the fire’

Then there are the rarer and more tragic cases e.g:

DAME PATIENCE JONATHAN.

Every Nigerian with any access to the outside world (TV, internet, newspapers) is aware of Aunty Patience’s struggle with the English Language.

However, in case you need to refresh your memory, please check out this site:

http://www.nairaland.com/763286/top-ten-grammatical-blunders-made

PATRICK OBAHIAGBON

Words cannot describe my feelings towards this man. Even trying would require about four to five more posts. He is a clown that attempts to show off his supposed intelligence by “blowing grammar”. Only God knows if he actually believes that people understand him. Here is a speech he made mourning former ASU president:

“The grand initiation of Professor Festus Iyayi is a lancinating loss of another stentorian voice, against retrograde and prebendal forces of primitive mercantilism. That he passed through transition on matters pro bono publico, bears eloquent testimony to our state of dystopia. Such is the evanescence of life. Its all vanitas vanitatum.”

Do I need to say more? This man needs to be STONED.

However, there are a few shining beacons in our period of darkness e.g: Wole  Soyinka, Chinua Achebe (RIP), Chimamanda Adichie etc.

PS: For those that insist on killing us with their messed up grammar:

Get a dictionary, spellcheck, Brighter Grammar, First Aid In English, Anything!

 

 

 

Glory and Gore Go Hand in Hand… That’s why Revenge just got renewed.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Revenge ADDICT. The only one in my family. However, Season 4? Really? How long will it take for her to destroy the Graysons? Apparently three years wasn’t enough so she needs a fourth. Allow me to list the pros and cons of Revenge below.

PROS.

1. The episode titles. Maybe it’s just me, but the one word episode titles make me love this show. Fear, Addiction, Impetus (which is a word I haven’t heard anyone say in a while) and Execution (which honestly sent chills down my spine). In fact I may have borrowed some of these titles to use in my book (Secrecy). It’s harmless, really.

2. The acting. One thing no one can deny (I hope) is the acting. Especially with Emily VanCamp and Madeleine Stowe. I wonder why there haven’t been more Emmy noms (No I don’t, not really).

3. Emily. Whether she’s beating the crap out of a hired hand or effortlessly throwing shade with the best of them, Emily Thorne is bad-ass. I especially enjoyed that scene in “Addiction” where she handed Daniel his credit card after he asked her how she managed to pay for everything. Also that scene season 2 where Amanda died really showed her as more than a heartless bitch hell-bent on revenge (she’s come a long way hasn’t she).

4. Victoria. Queen V should have been first on my list (she’d be first on any list). Al I can say is that she has earned her title. With her numerous love affairs, and love children not to mention her ability to transform from a loving mother to a cold hearted manipulator, Vicky (am I allowed to call her that?) is spectacular. Although I do wish she had better luck in the romance department. I never really cared for Pascal.

5. Nolan. (My sister’s a fan.) The tech savvy wingman with razor sharp wit and loads of cash. Again, do wish he had better luck in the romance department; I could tolerate Tyler, I despised Padmi or whatever her name was, and Patrick, don’t get me started on Patrick.

CONS.

1. The writing. Sometimes, Revenge seems like two different shows not-so seamlessly interwoven. In one scene, Victoria, Emily and the French guy are strutting across the room in their gorgeous outfits. The next, Vic is lying in mental institution while Emily’s standing above her, gloating. All I can say is, get it together.

 2. The endless crop of guest characters. Every season has a few half a dozen people we honestly do not care about. Season one had Charlotte’s boyfriend (I don’t remember him either). Season 2 had Emily’s mom, Ashley (I loved her too, but all she did was sleep with Daniel, then Conrad), the Ryan brothers, every one involved in the Initiative, PADMA, the list goes on. Season 3 had Pascal, Margaux, Patrick, Sara, Niko, Javier, etc. I was thrilled when Pascal died but now his irritating daughter’s returning for season 4  AS A MAIN CHARACTER.

3. Daniel. In the past seasons, Daniel was the unsuspecting pawn in Emily, Victoria, Conrad and basically everyone’s schemes. Then season 3 came along and it was like, Daniel’s finally doing something. To bad we didn’t care. Then it was like he was trying to be the “big bad” of season 3, plotting against Emily and Nolan – a role already filled by Victoria. As villains go, I prefer Conrad, Daniel was just trying too hard. Also the fact that he survived season 3 without  Emily putting a bullet in his head/chest/groin was a disappointment.

4. Charlotte. Let’s face it, she’s unnecessary to the plot, to the Hamptons, probably even to her parent’s schemes. The only reason she’s still alive is because she’s Emily’s sister. First she’s a wild-child, then she starts dating Declan, still a wild-child, almost dies, simmers down, becomes a Clarke, gets a very irritating friend (Regina, I think her name was), gets pregnant, loses her boyfriend, leaves, loses her baby, comes back, is edgy with straight hair, gets very irritating, starts scheming against Emily. JUST DIE, okay, DIE.

5. David Clarke. Why is he still alive? Why is he a killer? What happened to his hair? Has he been keeping tabs on Emily? Does he still think he loves Victoria? (I wonder what he saw in her…) WHY IS HE STILL ALIVE?????

Pros and cons aside I will be keeping tabs on Season 4. That is, unless Emily’s mom comes back, then I am moving to Game of  Thrones.